Adventures at Midlife

Stephanie Klein at Greek Tragedy has a great post about her Blogher conference experience that confirmed my darker suspicions. Based on her description, I may never go:

If you come alone your very first time to such an event, without personally knowing another person, be prepared to regress. Without at least one close friend (or roommate) be ready to be completely stripped down to your most vulnerable self, that girl raising her hand, oooh-ing, “pick me. Pick me!” Like me. Play with me. Be my friend…

It’s really like walking around a constant, 3-day, pledge class, wondering when you’ll finally be able to fully relax and be inducted into the sorority of women. It’s scary in a way that shouldn’t be. I hear way too many people mention “private parties” with apologies. “Oh, are you going to the Nintendo dinner?” she whispers. No. I wasn’t invited. “What about the private party at the suite upstairs by this sponsor? Oh, did you go to the sponsored private cocktail…” Since when did blogging become so elitist? It really is just another way, ironically enough, to feel rejected.

Fortunately, she goes on to say, she did get connected, make friends, share experiences and have a great time. Stephanie is clearly more determined and more confident than I am. I generally give an experience like that — the cocktail party, the reception, the trade show open house, the book signing — about five minutes before I scurry back to my room for a night of HBO and room service.

It’s ridiculous, really. I clean up nicely. I have interesting things to say. My table manners are fine. It’s just that, hidden behind this paper-thin veneer of maturity and sophistication, is a terrified high school girl who won’t walk down the hall where the popular kids hang out. I will no longer set myself up by placing myself in situations where I’m going to be ignored. It has that same sting of invalidation I felt as a teenager.

I hope you all had a great time at the Blogher conference, really I do. There is great value in a conference that looks at blogging from a woman’s perspective. I’ve read the Blogher posts about it and even picked up some good tips and links. But that may be as close as I ever get.